Many Islamic faithful are navigating the modern
difficulties of matchmaking by turning to the Internet
Changing demographics among
Muslims have given rise to sites like MuslimMatch.com, left, and
ShiaMatch.com
WEB EXCLUSIVE
By Brian Braiker
Newsweek
Updated: 4:37 p.m. ET Feb. 06, 2004
Feb. 5 - Imam Luqman Ahmad had heard so many stories
about members of his mosque meeting their Muslim mates online that he finally
decided to log on for himself and see what the fuss was all about. “I went to
the site and I saw all these hundreds of perspective spouses,” he recalls of his
first visit to Al-Usrah.net in January 2000. “I was taken aback; I didn’t know
it was that widely used.”
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A religious leader at a mosque
in Sacramento, Calif., Ahmad, 45, admits to having had initial concerns about
whether online matchmaking was sanctioned under the tenets of Islamic law, which
prohibits dating. But what he found was a burgeoning community of Muslims
seeking other Muslims online, with the sole purpose of arranging a traditional
marriage. What he found was the Internet as matchmaker. And he found himself, 15
months later, married to a woman he met on the site.
Traditionally, observant Muslims have marriages arranged
through relatives or a matchmaker who scours the local community, friends, and
neighbors for a suitable, compatible person. But in a global age when
Muslim families, like so many others, have increasingly dispersed, the nexus of
some Islamic communities has dissolved, making it difficult for individuals to
find people they know and trust. Especially for second-generation Muslims living
in Europe or North America, the local field of prospective spouses is
increasingly limited. So as families begin to extend their search, the Internet
has been embraced as the newest tool in the oldest practice of an ancient
faith.
The numbers tell
some of the story. “When MuslimMatch.com was launched in 2002, the site
attracted few visitors,” Aisha Khan, the London-based site’s administrator,
wrote in an e-mail to NEWSWEEK. Today MuslimMatch.com, probably the
Web’s most popular Muslim matrimonial site, boasts 47,648 registered
members and 1,500 first-time visitors a day. “Within the last 2 years,
online matrimonials have taken a quantum leap forward in terms of social
acceptability within the Muslim community,” writes Kahn, “whereas it
would have been their last point of research, if not an outright shameful
act, a few years back.” Ali Rizvi, whose Texas-based
ShiaMatch.com caters specifically to Islam’s minority group, points
out that he launched his site in 1999 with five or six users (including
himself, his brothers and his cousins) and has since seen the active
membership logs surpass 9,000.
The exponential growth in popularity of these sites (new
ones with names like matrimony.org and muslimweddings.com seem to pop up every
day) is easy for those in the community to understand. “I tend to think that
it’s a medium that’s borne out of necessity because of the changing demographics
of the Muslims,” explains Ahmad, the imam. In the past, Muslim communities had a
lot of people in one area, meaning more prospects available either through
family or other acquaintances, he explains. But now because a lot of Muslims are
converts, or living independently rather than as part of established
communities, the potential for finding other Muslim partners is greatly
diminished, especially when dating is generally not permissible. And while many
Muslims still want a traditional marriage, they also want more choice. In the
case of Muslim women living in the West, they also often want careers. “If
someone in Topeka, Kan., is looking,” says Rizvi, the Internet “makes it a lot
easier.”
Imam Luqman Ahmad and his wife Aminah met each other at
Al-Usrah.net
At first blush, Muslim matrimonial sites strongly resemble typical online
dating services and community forums like Match.com and Friendster. Members
create a profile, an ad describing themselves—sometimes with a picture—and
explaining what kind of match is desired. But a closer look reveals what
makes the ads on, say, MuslimMatch.com more tailored. “Sayinghitoyou”
is a 34 year-old Jordanian woman who recently moved to the United States.
She writes that she is looking for a “Jordanian or Palestinian [man],
educated, responsible, religious, fears god, nice, out going, fun to be
with, dependable, warm and kind,” and describes herself as “a good muslim
wife to start the perfect family!!!!!!!!!” On ShiaMatch.com it is not
uncommon to see women’s ads posted by “mother” or “sister” or even “a
concerned friend.” These are often signals sent out to other parents or
guardians looking for spouses on behalf of their charges. “When a mother
submits a profile, there are a lot of parents browsing these profiles,
so another parent sees it and it eases the barrier for them in contacting
that person,” explains Rizvi, 28 (whose own marriage was arranged through
his aunt). When Ahmad began using the Internet to find his own match,
he says he specified that “if the woman who was contacting me did not
have a guardian, they did not need to contact me at all.” Ultimately,
his marriage to Aminah, whom he met online, had all the trappings of a
traditionally arranged marriage—they agreed to marry in part because it
turned out they knew people in common who vouched for each other’s position
in the community.
But, also like online dating, Internet matchmaking is not
for everyone. Fazeel Chauhan has come to conclude that, because online anonymity
implies less accountability, many men and women posting ads on these sites do
not actually want to get married. “The experience that I had is that the women
were not serious. It was more like they were interested in some attention or
chatting,” he says. Chauhan, 40, estimates that over three years he has replied
to 2,000 ads. “I would cut and paste the same message and send it to say 100
women in a day. Two weeks later I would have maybe 10 replies…. At the end you
might end up with two or three with whom you kind of hit it off in e-mail.”
After establishing a rapport, he would meet the woman in person—from his home in
Diamond Bar, Calif., he’s traveled to Detroit, Washington, D.C., and Wichita,
Kan., to meet prospective wives. But not once has he found a Muslim woman online
with whom he connected. “I think I’ve given up on it about 90 percent, but I
haven’t completely quit on it.”
And in his own way, Chauhan makes an interesting point.
Many in the community actually see the Internet as just another quiver in the
matrimonial bow. Schwabb Amin, 24, who met his wife Amber in a chat room for
Pakistanis, didn’t sign on with the intention of finding a spouse and had never
visited a matrimonial site. But after getting to know each other online, Amin
says, “We decided ‘I’d like to marry you.’” He draws a distinction between
finding a spouse online and how Muslim marriages are traditionally planned, when
getting to know your betrothed is not always an option. “I see a lot of people
going to the matrimonial sites—it’s another option for them, but I don’t think
they’re relying solely on that. It’s more for the older people; it’s harder for
them to get married.” Which only goes to show how far online matchmaking has
come. After all, weren’t the “older people” supposed to be the slowest to figure
out the Internet in the first place?
